The talented Erin of Fierce Beagle fame made a post concerning how people respond differently to her husband once they learn he is a cop. During our long-day, er, day-long trip to Houston, my Hubby mentioned the article and wanted my opinion on it. Please note I had not yet read the article, since that morning I had been too busy wrangling the SlobberTot to even log the internet, so I had only my Hubby’s description to go on at the time.
Hubby was Noah’s roommate in college. I sometimes joke that if Noah were a woman, Hubby would have married him instead of me, because that’s a good representation of how much Hubby loved hanging out with Noah. After both men got married (to willful, wonderful women) they went their separate ways, but still stayed in touch until Noah moved with his new family to North Carolina.
And this is where Hubby’s Secret found its beginnings. Hubby and Noah grew out of touch. It was a passive thing; there was no big fight, it just slowly happened and I never witnessed my Hubby fighting to maintain that connection. I firmly believe that people go through various stages in life, and that relationships come, go, and change; I viewed the growing distance between them as an example of this, and never really questioned it.
Until recently, when Hubby started pursuing contact with Noah. He began talking about how much he missed his college roommate, how he wished they had gotten back in touch sooner. It raised the question of, “Why didn’t you?” in my mind, but I waited patiently (SO hard for nosey me, so VERY hard) for Hubby to tell me on his own time.
Erin’s article revealed that Secret, the answer to my question of why it had taken so long for Hubby to reconnect with his college friend. In a moment of (shockingly straightforward) honesty from Hubby, he admitted to me, “I’m one of those people that got weirded out by Noah becoming a cop.”
I wasn’t sure what to say at first. I later asked him if it was solely Noah’s profession that made him uncomfortable, or if there were other things, and he finally decided that it was a mix of the physical distance, Noah’s new status as a father, and his profession that caused his personal response, but during our car ride these other topics didn’t pop up.
Instead, he asked me why, in my opinion, would people respond to cops as he responded to Noah. This is delicate ground because usually when we turn from something there is an element of fear/insecurity involved, and we don’t like to hear about that quality in ourselves. Yet because Hubby values honesty, and because I am blunt to a fault, I immediately quipped, “Alpha dog syndrome.”
Hubby: Alpha dog syndrome?
Me: Yep. Police have to be alpha dogs and it makes a lot of wishy-washy people uncomfortable.
Hubby: (Unoffended by my wishy-washy comment) Why would it make them uncomfortable?
In my opinion, a good cop has to shape a code for himself and he has to believe strongly enough in that code to adhere to its principles without hesitation and without doubt (military does this as well). It takes a strong person to so fully commit to something that he no longer needs to be told what to do, he knows his code and his objectives well enough that he will pursue them despite the odds and opposition, an alpha dog, if you will, who is able and willing to dominate a dangerous situation. It’s an unfortunate truth that a cop’s backup could be wounded and the responsibility for resolving a violent situation could fall on one man’s shoulders; cops are the incredible few who willingly offer to bear that weight.
I think that our society is so caught up in political correctness and relativism that some people feel threatened by “alpha dogs” because the alpha dogs can’t abide by such a wishy-washy code of conduct–when working. They aren’t mean about their code, it simply is, but I think too many civilians believe a cop’s job defines them as a person and fail to realize an important truth: cops go off-duty to live as husbands and wives, brothers and daughters, fathers, mothers, friends. Sure, because of the altruistic person they tend to be, they would still leave a BBQ to save a stranger, but they can also enjoy a really corny joke that they would never tell at a traffic stop. They are still human. For the wishy-washy, there is, even in these off-duty situations, a lack of confidence that stems from a lack of ‘code,’ and so the wishy-washy will always be uncomfortable around an alpha dog because he has something they don’t. It’s a line of separation that marks the alpha as somehow more complete, more mature in their personal growth, and it is instinctual for the less-complete, less sure individual to flee from such a strong competitor. It sounds really harsh when put in those terms, but I’m speaking from a perspective that believes we’re all very animal on some level.
Hence the reason why, all too often, the phrase “I’m a cop,” incites a shirking response where the wishy-washy listener lowers his head between his shoulders and tucks his tail. He’s waiting for the alpha to tell him what he hasn’t yet discovered for himself: what does it mean to live with a purpose, and what’s worth dying for?